Dear Human

This is good (click the pic to see the whole comic strip):

Tweeted by @michaelshermer. Webcomic by Zach Weiner at SMBC Comics.

Obi-Wan Kenobi is dead ...

Laura posted a link to this on Facebook:

Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Dead, Vader Says

It's hilarious! Be sure to read the comments as well. They're even better than the article.

Flat Earth

From the UK's Daily Mash and retweeted by Professor Brian Cox:

COUNCILLOR SUSPENDED FOR BRANDING EARTH 'ROUND'
21-07-10

A CARDIFF councillor has been suspended after claiming the Earth is round and orbits the sun.

More than 200 Flat Earthologists complained after Cllr John Dixon posted a Twitter message referring to the Earth as a 'globe'.

A council spokesman said: "Staff have a responsibility to respect the beliefs of others, no matter how scrotum-tighteningly idiotic they may appear to anyone with the cognitive ability to actually get to the end of this sentence. Well done."

He added: "We have a very clear policy on tolerance and inclusivity, which we've had translated into dozens of languages as well as having it carved into enormous stone monoliths for the local druids. That cost an absolute fortune, by the way."

Employee numbers have dwindled at the authority since January, when it agreed to allow registered Vikings to kidnap female employees out of respect for Norse mythology.

Meanwhile followers of the Persian deity Mithras have won a tribunal giving them the right to slaughter a bull in the canteen every Monday lunchtime.

Wayne Hayes, a Level 19 Flat Earthologist from East Grinstead, said: "Dixon's remarks are just typical of the prejudice we face on a daily basis just because we refuse to bow down to the dogma of scientific proof.

"He should be fed to the Great Salamander of Xenu or at the very least taken to the edge of the world and pushed off.

"We'll see who's stupid then."

He-he. Just a taste of what it feels like to be a skeptic and atheist in a world that bends over backwards to make sure that the religious are not offended.

"A man who is convinced of the truth of his religion is indeed never tolerant. At the least, he is to feel pity for the adherent of another religion but usually it does not stop there. The faithful adherent of a religion will try first of all to convince those that believe in another religion and usually he goes on to hatred if he is not successful. However, hatred then leads to persecution when the might of the majority is behind it." -- Albert Einstein

Stuff White People Like

I'd guess that a lot of you have already heard the Stuff White People Like list by blogger/ author Christian Lander . For those that haven't, you might suspect it has stuff like "pick-up trucks", "guns", "NASCAR". Not at all. It's a little more pomo than that. It's more about making fun of guilty-conscience, Facebook-loving, sushi-eating, farmer's market shoppers who judge people by their carbon footprint. People kinda like ... well, me. Here are just a few of my favorites:

• #107 Self Aware Hip Hop References
  
  ... dilemma for white people who had to show both that they loved hip hop but also that they were aware they were white. The brilliant solution they came up with was to appropriate hip hop words and mannerisms and filter them through a white appropriateness system.
  
  For example, white people find it particularly hilarious to take slang and enunciate every word perfectly.
  
  “Homey, that bernaise sauce you made is wack. Do you know what I am saying? For Real.”
  
  “Well, I used a different type of butter. I switched the style up, so let the haters hate and I’ll watch the deliciousness pile up.”
  
  Since the above exchange involves people who are very aware of their whiteness it is hilarious, but if it were to be said by wiggers, it would be tragic. The difference is subtle but essential...



• #64 Recycling
  
  Recycling is a part of a larger theme of stuff white people like: saving the earth without having to do that much.
  
  Recycling is fantastic! You can still buy all the stuff you like (bottled water, beer, wine, organic iced tea, and cans of all varieties) and then when you’re done you just put it in a DIFFERENT bin than where you would throw your other garbage. And boom! Environment saved! Everyone feels great, it’s so easy!
  
  This is important because all white feel guilty about producing waste. It doesn’t stop them from doing it, but they feel guilty about it. Deep down, they believe they should be like the Native Americans and use every part of the product or beast they have consumed. Though for many white people, this simply means putting plastic bags into a special drawer where they will accumulate until they are eventually used to carry some gym clothes or bathing suit. Ultimately this drawer will get full and only be emptied when the person moves to a new house. Advanced white recyclers will uses these grocery bags as garbage bags.
  
  If you are in a situation where a white person produces an empty bottle, watch their actions. They will first say “where’s the recycling?” If you say “we don’t recycle,” prepare for some awkwardness. They will make a move to throw the bottle away, they will hesitate, and then ultimately throw the bottle away. But after they return look in their eyes. All they can see is the bottle lasting forever in a landfill, trapping small animals. It will eat at them for days, at this point you should say “I’m just kidding, the recycling is under the sink. Can you fish out that bottle?” And they will do it 100% of the time!
  
  The best advice is that if you plan to deal with white people on regular basis either start recycling or purchase a large blue bin so that they can believe they are recycling.



• #60 Toyota Prius
  
  Over the years, white people have gone through a number of official cars. In the 1980s it was the Saab and the Volvo. By the 1990s it was the Volkswagen Jetta or a Subaru 4WD station wagon. But these days, there is only one car for white people. One car that defines all that they love: the Toyota Prius.
  
  The Prius might be the most perfect white product ever. It’s expensive, gives the idea that you are helping the environment, and requires no commitment/changes other than money.
  
  The Toyota Prius gets 45 miles per gallon. That’s right, you can drive 45 miles and burn only one gallon of gasoline. So somehow, through marketing or perception, the Prius lets people think that driving their car is GOOD for the environment.
  
  It’s a pretty sweet deal for white people. You can buy a car, continue to drive to work and Barak Obama rallies and feel like you are helping the environment!
  
  Some white people decide to pull the ultimate move. Prius, Apple Sticker on the back, iPod rocking, and Democratic Candidate bumper sticker. Unstoppable!
  
  ... Also, if you see a white person in a Prius you can say “wow, that’s great to see that you’re doing something for the earth.” The white person will feel very good about themselves and offer to drive you home, to Ikea, or drop you off at 80s night.



• #5 Farmer's Markets
  
  ... White people like Farmers Markets for a number of reasons. The first is their undying need to support local economies, and the idea of buying direct from the farmer helps them assuage the fears instilled in them from reading Fast Food Nation (and yes, every white person has read this book).
  
  White people also like Farmer’s Markets because it is outdoors (they love being outdoors), they can bring their dogs and children in expensive strollers, and they get to see other white people. If they are single, this is a good place to meet other single white people who share their passion for sustainability.

Obama's Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy

From comedian and writer, Andy Borowitz:

Obama's Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy
In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS's 60 Minutes on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.

But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.

According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a president who speaks English as if it were his first language.

"Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."

The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate -- we get it, stop showing off."

The president-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.

"Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.

Homer Tries to Vote

This is pretty good.

War on Easter

I'm not making this up:

John Gibson Hypes A ‘War on Easter’, Announces Easter Bunny Under Attack

So far, FOX News is the only place where I've heard of this nonexistent controversy, but knowing how many of my moron acquaintences like believing whatever they see there, I'm sure I'll be getting 'War on Easter' chain e-mails soon. I love how some members of such a pampered majority will look for every opportunity to hoist themselves up on to the cross and cry how they are being persecuted.


Stephen Colbert hilariously lampoons FOX and Hannity who choose to heap even more crap on this controversey:

Colbert: There is a War on Easter

In other news, godless liberals are declaring war on St. Patrick's Day, rebranding it Green Beer Day. -- OK, I made that last one up, but you know that it won't be long before FOX declares the 'War on St. Patrick's Day'.

Beer Chucking Fridge

Great White Bear, I think this invention is for us:

New York - An American inventor has come up with a fridge that throws cold cans of beer to lazy drinkers.

John Cornwell spent £1 500 creating the Beer Launching Fridge, reports the Mirror.

And his invention is attracting lots of interest since videos of it in action were posted on the Internet.

The fridge is activated by a remote control which sets off a lift mechanism in the fridge.

The lift delivers the can to an electronic catapult, which rotates until it is lined up with its thirsty target.

It then hurls the beer up to five metres to the drinker. It can hold a full 24-can crate - 10 beers in its magazine and 14 more in reserve.

John, 22, who has just graduated from university in North Carolina, said: "The idea was conceived when I was sitting on the sofa having a few beers.

"I thought, 'What if instead of me going to get the beer, the beer came to me?'"

"About three months later I have a fully automated, remote-controlled, catapulting, beer-launching mini-fridge.

"There is a slight danger of being hit in the head with a flying can but this danger decreases the more you use it." - Ananova.com

And they say American ingenuity is waning ... I think not. I love that last line - "There is a slight danger of being hit in the head with a flying can but this danger decreases the more you use it." -- I beg to differ. I think the danger would INCREASE as you drank more beers.

Filthy Words

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